It's Never Too Heavy

As the tears flowed, I continued to sing, “When it all starts coming undone, baby you’re the only one I run to, I run to you, I run to you...” After wiping the wetness from my chin and cheeks, I glanced toward the backseat. I grinned, interrupting Ariston as he cheerfully played with his action figures. “BOOM! Whoa Leonardo, you just blew  Shredder up. Way to go, dude!” I felt my voice crackle as I said, “I love you, buddy.” In conjunction with our routine, Ariston responded, “Love you too, mom.” I turned the radio off in hopes of getting out of this funk that I found myself in.

For some reason, this particular day in October felt heavier than normal. After picking Ariston up from the sitter on my long haul home from work, the weight of the world was sitting on my shoulders.  While Ariston innocently played behind me, I fell into a daze. Thoughts ran through my mind as fast as the trees passed by the windows. How can we do this for three. whole. years? Will I be strong enough for them? Have we made the best decision for our family? Is my marriage strong enough to endure this?

Suddenly, my daydream was interrupted as the lyrics drifted back into my head. “This world keeps spinning faster into a new disaster, so I run to you.” Failing to shake this whirlwind of emotions that continued to consume me, I felt the water build up in my eyes, again. Trying not to blink, I gripped the steering wheel tighter. Gosh, I hate this.  What is wrong with me?

Right then I realized it. The absence of my husband on a day to day basis made me feel weak. Despite what I originally thought, I needed him to carry some of the load. After all, we are a team. A partnership. Up until three months before, everything we did, we did together.  I needed to run to him, and I couldn’t. Sure, I knew what we signed up for. Three years of law school to set us up for the rest of our lives. Three years of taking on 90% of our responsibilities so that Brandon could pursue the career of his dreams, not only for himself, but for our family.  Signing up for something does not ensure that you get what you expect. I anticipated a very smooth transition. Effortless, even. Why? Because I'm that kind of person. As optimistic as I may be, the decision did not come easy. Before we made the final decision on whether or not  Brandon should attend law school, he would say things like, “You do realize it’s going to feel like you don’t have a husband, right?” or “Are you sure you can do all of this all by yourself?” Being the strong, independent woman that I am, my response was usually something like, “Psht, who are you kidding? I got this!” or “Um, you do realize you’re talking to Superwoman, right?” 

Three months in must have been my breaking point. Looking back now it’s apparent that Superwoman was running out of steam. The reality of a life married to a husband locked in a library (or office) resulted in me doing life, alone. Not always, but a lot. After embracing the moment I was in and taking it for what it was worth, I decided to prove myself right. I changed my frame of mind. I can do this. We have set a goal and we are going to reach it. NOTHING IS TOO HEAVY FOR US- WE ARE STRONG. Three years later I can say: We reached our goal! In less than a month my husband will have his Juris Doctorate, marriage in tact. In fact, our marriage is stronger now than it ever has been.

Hard work pays off, and the reward is sweet but if I’ve learned anything it is this: Set goals and never, ever give up on them. A weak moment doesn’t make you weak. It makes you stronger. Prevail and conquer, because when you do, you’ll move mountains.